AREA 55 NEWS YOU CAN TAKE TO THE BANK!!!
Greetings, 55ers! The Pacers are back in town after coming back from 16 points down to deflate the Toronto Raptors. That Toronto win makes us 8-3, second best in the Central, behind 11-2 Chicago. We’re also tied with Philly and Orlando for the second best record in the East. Our competition tonight is a rematch with the Boston Celtics. The game will be a tune up for a 3-game road swing against Sacramento, Golden State, and the L.A. Lakers.
You may recall that we pasted Boston 87-74 in the Garden 8 days ago, an event that sent the Celtics (now 4-6) into a 3-game downward spiral. Last night the Celts were smacked at home by Chicago. My guess is that they’re going to be coming to BLF tonight with an idea of ending this, revenging their loss to us, and trying very hard to get back on track.
Tonight’s game is very important. We have a great opportunity to dispatch the struggling Celtics at home, make a statement by beating them twice in a row, and set the tone for what will undoubtedly be a tough western road trip. We have to put wins in our pocket where and when we can. Wins at home, especially in the context of this abbreviated season, are opportunities we can’t let slip away. Consequently, that’s reason #1 for being extra loud, mean, and nasty tonight.
Reason #2 is “The Bandwagon Effect”. Tonight’s game is likely to be a sell-out. A lot of the attendees are likely to be the Carmel types that populated our arena last year – the idiots that throw tyke-sized Celtics jerseys on their kids and come to see the traditionally big, bad Celtics thrash the Pacers. These obnoxious Judases have to be negated. That’s where we come in. We need to neuter these types once and for all.
Although it’s likely to be cold, snowy, and generally nasty in the South Street Parking Lot across from Arby’s, the PTO will nevertheless be in session. In addition to the alcohol that ordinarily fuels the Pacers Tailgating Organization, tonight there will be the added attraction of jambalaya and cookies – furnished, I have been told, by Jess Roberts and the PTO Committee. In addition to getting liquored up for the game, the PTO tonight will be celebrating the birthday of Area 55 MVP Kyle “Kielbeze” Brumback.
The fact that our game with Boston coincides on the Mayan Calendar with Brumback’s birthday strikes me as a very singular omen. According to my research, if the correct ritual sacrifices are made, the right incantations chanted (Hib-Hib-HooRoy is Mayan for “It’s the end of the world for Boston”), and the appropriate beverages are imbibed, a lop-sided Pacers win is virtually assured. Kielbeze, accordingly, will be serving as High Priest at tonight’s PTO festivities. He is reportedly bringing some roosters and goats from his home in Hartford City to offer in apocalyptic sacrifice to Chacmol, the Mayan God of Basketball. Let’s dress warmly and help the big guy do his thing and ring in his day of days.
AND NOW SOME FUN FACTS ABOUT BOSTON!
The Great Seal of the Massachusetts Bay Colony! Boston got its start when the Pilgrims came over from England and founded the Massachusetts Bay Colony.
Here’s some Pilgrims having a happy Thanksgiving with their friends, the Pequots and the Wampanoags:
The Pilgrims were Puritans and, sort of, well…puritanical. If a Puritan woman had a baby out of wedlock, the adulterous event was celebrated by sewing a fancy “A” on her clothing. It was kind of a fashion statement back in the 1600s. Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote a book about this practice called “The Scarlet Letter” that many of you were supposed to read in high school. Knowing you guys though, I’ll bet you didn’t. Anyway, here’s Hester Prynne, the adulterous heroine of Hawthorne’s book:
After their arrival, the Pilgrims promptly set up shop and Massachusetts has been there ever since. In 1629, the English King Charles I granted the Pilgrims a charter, which included authority for them to use an Official Seal. This Seal was stamped on all of their important documents.
Being the curious guy that I am, I googled around a little and found a picture of the Massachusetts Bay Colony’s Official Seal. I’ve posted it below for the edification of you illiterates.
As you can tell, the Seal was a particularly good one. It depicts a peace-loving Indian standing naked except for leaved covering his privates. He holds a bow and arrow pointed toward the ground (as a sign of peace) with the inscription: “Come Over and Help Us!”
I won’t say much more about this. We all know how “Come Over and Help Us!” turned out.
How to Talk Bostonian!
In view of the fact that there are likely to be lots or Bostonians (or wanna-be Bostonians) in attendance at tonight’s game, I’ve attached a few videos to give you a taste of their strange manner of speech. There’s no time for a Berlitz course or a Rosetta Stone purchase. This was the best I could do.
For those of you who wish to savor particularly excited and angry Bostonian speech – the sort of thing you’ll hear from Boston fans tonight — I’ve added the attached. Warning! It is not for the faint of heart. When authentic and emphatic Bostonian is spoken, all nouns are preceded by colorful adjectives usually starting with “F”. If you really wish to be understood when communicating with our Eastern visitors tonight, it is recommended that you emulate the speakers in the following video:
Meet Lucky the Leprechaun!
We’re all too familiar with the Boston logo, which depicts their mascot, Lucky the Leprechaun, wearing his little gold vest, his bowler hat, and smoking his pipe:
Boston used to have a human lucky too – a guy named Damon Blust that dressed all in shamrocks and did half-time dunks while wearing his round little Irish hat. By all reports he was extremely inept and obnoxious.
At any rate, in 2009 Boston decided to can him. News reports of the firing were pithy:
“Damon Blust, the man who played mascot Lucky the Leprechaun, has parted ways with the Celtics. Sources close to the situation told the Globe’s Marc Spears both sides agreed on a mutual resignation. One source said Blust missed some team appearances and didn’t see eye to eye with his boss on several issues. There is no legal or personal problem outside of the arena that led to Blust’s departure.”
Try as I might, I haven’t been able to determine exactly what happened to Blust after he and the Celtics’ management mutually decided to part ways. I did find a website advertising for a replacement for Blust and then, some YouTube videos dating from 2010 depicting a new Lucky appearance The new Lucky bears a suspiciously striking resemblance to Area 55 Member El Pacero.
At printing, Pacero was not available for comment.
Boston’s Lucky should not be confused with the Lucky the Leprechaun who works for General Mills and touts the cereal, Lucky Charms.
Lucky Charms cereal, by the way, is not generally sold or otherwise available in Ireland or the UK.
Well, enough of this drivel. Gotta get some work done before game time tonight! Remember it’s Saturday, 55ers. Wear your Roy shirts, get yellow, and bring your voices. We’ve got to be extra loud tonight and our yellow needs to swallow up the Celtic greenery were apt to find from those still dumb enough to be on the Boston Bandwagon.
GO PACERS! GO AREA 55!
Joe Murphy a/k/a Indy Hoya a/k/a Eptesicus Fuscus