Hello, and welcome friends to the Nominee Announcement for the 1st Annual Kempys! Today we will be announcing the 30 Nominees who will have a shot to become winners in the Innaugural Kempy Awards. The Kempys honor those who rose above their peers in displays of laziness, appetite indulgence, and overall stupidity during the 2011-2012 NBA Lockout. Today we reveal the choices from our esteemed panel of judges (…..me) as to who has the best chance to show up to Training Camp on December 9th carrying a little extra cargo in the torso-region.
The Kempys are unlike any other Awards Show you’ve seen before. For one thing, it really isn’t a show at all…it’s just an article. And secondly, ANYONE currently a member of the NBPA can win! That’s right, the set amount of Kempy winners is undetermined. Theoretically, EVERYONE or NO ONE of our nominees could end up walking home with a prestigious Kempy. There could even be winners who do not appear on this list! It’s a very exciting time in the world of Fake Sports Awards. We here at Smits Happens are pleased to bring you EXCLUSIVE coverage of the Kempy Awards, which will take place on January 1st, 2012.
Now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, The 2011-2012 Kempy Award Nominees:
Baron Davis: Cleveland Cavaliers
Is there any doubt as to whether Mr. Davis will show up to camp in northern Ohio on December 9th and NOT be at least 250 pounds? Davis, listed as 6’3, 215 pounds has dealt with his share of issues regarding weight and work ethic over the years. Now, he’s had to deal with a lockout that’s lasted almost 5 months. It is in our panel’s opinion (again…me) that this California native will show up to Quicken Loans Arena rocking a belly full of In-N-Out Burger, Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles, and Carl’s Jr. Mr. Davis is the Overwhelming Favorite to win his first Kempy Award.
Glen Davis: Free Agent (Previously: Boston Celtics)
His nickname says it all: Big Baby. Glen “Big Baby” Davis is one of the most mentally weak players in the NBA. A man who constantly looks like he is about to cry, and was actually caught crying like a little girl after Kevin Garnett ripped into him on the sidelines during a game. It in our esteemed panel’s professional opinion that with no one around to keep Mr. Davis in line, his normal 6’9, 289 pound frame will have shot up to at least 320 pounds. It is also in our panel’s professional opinion that with this added weight, Mr. Davis’ tears during training camp wind sprints will actually be a combination of gravy, Mountain Dew, and barbecue sauce.
Vince Carter: Phoenix Suns
C’mon. It’s Vince freakin’ Carter. You know he’s going to show up to camp weighing at least 250 pounds. Once known as Half Man, Half Amazing, will now be known as Half Man, Half Cinnabon.
Elton Brand: Philadelphia 76ers
I don’t have anything funny to say here, I just think he’s going to show up being 6’9, 280 pounds instead of 255 pounds.
Andrew Bynum: Los Angeles Lakers
If there were ever an opportune time and person for Karma to strike, it would be right now and Andrew Bynum. His dirty, pathetic display in the playoffs against the Mavericks was despicable, to say the least. It would only be fitting to see This 7-footer show up 25-30 pounds heavier than his listed 285-pound frame.
Now that we’ve listed our Top 5 nominees, let’s go ahead and list the representatives from each team who made the Kempy Nominee’s List
- Atlanta Hawks: Josh Smith
- Charlotte Bobcats: Boris Diaw
- Chicago Bulls: Carlos Boozer
- Dallas Mavericks: Brendan Haywood
- Denver Nuggets: Al Harrington
- Detroit Pistons: Richard Hamilton
- Golden State Warriors: David Lee
- Houston Rockets: Luis Scola
- Indiana Pacers: James Posey
- Los Angeles Clippers: Chris Kaman
- Memphis Grizzlies: (tie) OJ Mayo, Zach Randolph
- Miami Heat: Erick Dampier
- Milwaukee Bucks: Andrew Bogut
- Minnesota Timberwolves: Brad Miller
- New Jersey Nets: Brook Lopez
- New Orleans Hornets: Trevor Ariza
- Oklahoma City Thunder: Kendrick Perkins
- Orlando Magic: (tie) Hedo Turkoglu, Gilbert Arenas
- Portland Trail Blazers: Gerald Wallace
- Sacramento Kings: DeMarcus Cousins
- San Antonio Spurs: Richard Jefferson
- Toronto Raptors: Leandro Barbosa
- Utah Jazz: Al Jefferson
- Washington Wizards: Rashard Lewis